I work in New York City. It's full of nutters. Go figure.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Friday April 29th.

Tiny, immensely fat woman with an immensely fat rucksack totally blocked my entry to the news kiosk this morning as she stood and bought fifty-six million lottery tickets. I couldn't get past her to just leave a dollar for my Times. I had to wait for hours while she droned out an endless list of numbers. She was really small but very wide. I wanted to kick her. Like a chihuahua.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Wednesday April 27th.

This morning, I was followed all the way down 32nd St by a herd of American tourists, all wearing identical - and unutterably hideous - black and orange anoraks. Grim.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tuesday April 26th.

Walking in front of me to the subway today was a woman wearing a purple, unintentional (I hope) frock coat, black MC Hammer pants, and what looked like two beige sponge fingers on her feet. I was thinking, "God, call the style police, dear, that look is so not for you" when I realised plenty of people must look at me and say exactly the same thing.


Monday, April 25, 2005

Monday April 25th.

The man at 34th St who gives away one of those free news rags, booming - "Good mornin', good mornin' laydeeeeees and gennulmen, get your free [insert name of piece of shit freebie here], free [insert name of piece of shit freebie here] here, laydeeeeeees and gennulmen, good mornin', good mornin'" - over and over again, has begun to annoy me so much I have changed the subway exit I use to avoid him.

For some reason, just the sound of his voice makes me stressed beyond belief. It's nothing personal, but I hate him.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Friday April 22nd.

Now I'm no cab driver, but this morning I saw a woman outside my building with her arm outstretched trying to hail a taxi, wiggling her fingers in a kind of "Hey you! Yes, you, little man. Stop your taxi for me immediately. Do you KNOW who I AM?!" sort of way.

And I thought, if I were a cab driver, I would drive straight past you because you are annoying. Or maybe I'd drive straight into you, if I were having a bad day. Patronising cow.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Thursday April 21st.

I caught three different men staring at my breasts this morning.

I mentally consigned them to the pervert bin, until, just before I got to work, I realised a button had popped open on my blouse and I was displaying a not inconsequential amount of grubby bra to the world.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Wednesday April 20th

I saw a woman with a guitar strapped to her back this morning and I felt a moment of sheer jealousy. Why can't I play the fucking guitar? It would be so cool. And then I remembered that I have abnormally small hands, and I'd find it hard to span the neck of a banjo, let alone a guitar.

Saw some pigeons pecking at some vomit on 32nd St. Nice.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Tuesday April 19th

Signs it's Spring in New York.

First day into work without a coat since I don't know when
Everyone in my local bagel shop is uncharacterstically effusive
The Korean restaurant I have to walk past every day on 32nd has begun to stink again
I noticed three anorexics on my way into work today. They're so much easier to spot without their winter coats
It'll be 53 degrees and raining on Thursday

Monday, April 18, 2005

Monday April 18th.

I was trying to figure out the origins of swearing as I walked from the subway to my office. I went back to Roman times and proceeded to the middle ages, but I didn't come up with any conclusive theories. It needs more thought, but Britney Spears calls me.

When I got to my office building, I was waiting in the elevator and as the doors were closing, this tiny blonde bachelorette ran up, and then turned away as the doors all but closed. Nicely, in my opinion, I wacked the "open doors" button, and they opened up. Little blonde got in. And that's it.

"You could have fucking said thank you, you little cow," I thought. That one can fucking whistle for the next elevator I'm in.